Tips from The Knot on Seating for your Ceremony

Rev. Rebecca Nagy with Charlotte Wedding Planner Jackie Fogarty

Wedding Ceremony Seating 101 from  The Knot!

Family, friends, and family friends: Where should they sit during your big moment? With parents, stepparents, divorced parents, grandparents, and extended family, all in attendence, you'll need a plan. Here are our guidelines.

Ushers: Who Are They?

You can enlist a few of your groomsmen to play ushers, or you can ask some relatives or friends to seat your guests. The rule of thumb is one usher for every 50 guests. If you're having an intimate ceremony, you may not need ushers, but you might want to put someone in charge of "sensitive" seating issues -- like keeping your mom and stepmom apart.

Ushers really need to know where everyone's supposed to sit -- so print out a list for them! Traditionally, female guests are escorted to their seats; the usher offers his right arm to the woman, and her male companion follows them down the aisle. (With a group of women, the usher might offer his arm to the oldest woman.) These days, it's fine for ushers to simply greet guests at the door and lead them to their seats, saying, "Please follow me."

Taking Sides

Ushers needn't ask guests whose "side" they are on. (In Christian ceremonies, the bride's side is the left side of the church when looking from back to front, and the groom's side is the right; for Jewish services, it's the opposite.) But should someone express a preference for one side or the other (many guests will say they are friends or relatives of the bride or groom), they should be seated where they want to sit. If one side of the family will have more guests than the other, ushers should try to even things out, explaining that everyone will sit together so guests can get the best view possible.

Who Sits Where?

Quick answers to your most frequent seating questions:

• Elderly guests should be seated near the front.
• Guests in wheelchairs or on crutches should sit at the end of a pew.
• The first four or five rows may be reserved for immediate and extended family (like aunts, uncles, cousins, and godparents) and other special guests (like the parents of a child attendant) by tying ribbons across those rows.
• Immediate family is seated just before the ceremony begins. Siblings (if they're not in the wedding party) are seated before grandparents and great-grandparents. They sit either in the first row with parents or in the second row with grandparents. Start seating with the groom's side.
• If you have step-relatives, make sure ushers know who they are. Step-relatives should be escorted to their seats first -- for example, step-grandparents precede birth grandparents. You may want to reserve a few extra rows directly behind immediate family for step-grandparents and step-siblings.
• If the bride's or groom's parents are divorced, seat the parent who primarily raised the bride or groom in the front row with his/her spouse, and seat the other parent and his/her spouse in the third row. Alternatively, birth parents may sit beside each other in the first row, or they may share the front row with stepparents. Discuss this in advance to avoid awkward moments.
• The bride's mother is always seated last at a Christian ceremony; the groom's mother is seated just before her. (In Jewish ceremonies, parents stand under the huppah with the couple). The seating of the bride's mother signals that the ceremony is about to begin.
• Brothers of the bride and groom usually seat their mothers; the head usher can do it if the brothers are in the wedding party, or a brother can seat his mom and then take his place with the other groomsmen.

Are You Legally Married?

At the beginning of the year, I received a panicked phone call from a prospective bride.  She and her fiance had been looking forward to having a friend officiate their wedding in the Spring.  He was planning on jumping onto the Internet and getting "ordained". While at the register of deeds office, they thankfully mentioned this to the person at the counter, who promptly informed them that if they were getting married in the State of North Carolina, they would not be legal!

Fortunately, I had officiated the former Register of Deeds niece's wedding, and this person knew me, so they gave the couple my name.  When they called me and we spoke, I heard how disappointed they were about their friend, so we all met and I agreed to "co-officiate" with the friend so that he could still be a part of their special day.  It was a wonderful compromise that I was happy to make for them.

First - the legality issue:  in North Carolina, if you are not "duly ordained or authorized" by your church or religious institution, you are NOT LEGAL. The Internet is not a church! If you are an Internet-ordained minister - you are actually committing a misdemeanor in NC - a crime - and doing the people who come to you a major disservice because they will not legally be married.

(...the NC courts have stated: "online ordination is not recognized as legally qualifying someone to perform marriages in NC, & performing a marriage w/out the proper qualifications is a $200 misdemeanor." The ULC (largest online ordination church in America), is specifically called out as not being able to legally perform marriages in NC, but the case mentions online ordinations in general. Chapter 7. Appellate Rules See: State v. Lynch, 301 N.C. 479, 272 S.E.2d 349 (1980).)


Second - the professional issue: Internet-ordained officiants are not trained to handle your spiritual or emotional questions, couples issues, nor do they have the background to design and deliver a truly spirit-infused or professionally designed and delivered ceremony.  Ministers are trained for years at public speaking (at least I was at where I attended seminary) and how to handle many emotionally-charged situations. And  - they are not ordained by the Spirit, and therefore do not hold any type of authority.

Marriage is a Sacrament.  It does not matter if you are doing a religious, spiritual or a simple civil service - after you are pronounced "husband and wife" by a duly-ordained minister, you will be changed!  And the change is spiritual. I have done close to 2700 weddings in the past 18 years, and I have seen this over and over again.  It is a sacred time in your lives when you are committing yourselves to love one another unconditionally for the rest of your lives.

I am very grateful for this law in North Carolina - the state in which I currently reside.  I spent years in seminary, studied World Religions, became certified as a Pastoral Counselor and went through a deep examination of my faith and relationship to God.  Not to mention countless hours of research, projects, reports and a thesis.  This is a time where a person hones themselves spiritually, emotionally and mentally to take on the privileged vocation of being a minister.Through it I found a very large God that didn't necessarily fit into one religion.  Therefore I dedicated my own path to be inclusive and honor all paths. That is why I am an Interfaith minister and will also perform civil ceremonies.

We live in the United States of America for a reason!

But please check the credentials of any possible officiant for your wedding. Take the time to "vet" the person with whom you are considering asking to officiate such an important rite of passage in your life.  Where did they go to Seminary?  What Church were they ordained at? Research the answers. Don't look at price - look at reputation, credentials and if their personality and style fits with yours.

Your marriage ceremony sets the tone of your life together.  Don't short change it!